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Every penis in Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, rated

Take a walk on one of the streets of the city of Assassin's Creed Odyssey and you'll be a few steps from a penis. This is probably true for any city, of course, but the vivid recreation of Ubisoft of ancient Greece does not censor the artistic expression of that epoch. Its cities and temples are adorned with marble statues designed by naked men who leave the business around the world. The hell, even the backward island of Kefalonia lies in the shadow of one of these celestial beings

Although the Odyssey often reuses these same statues through its various places, they are went on tour from Macedonia to Pephka in search of every important donger I can find for one purpose: to classify them from the best to the worst.

Warning: In case it was not obvious, this article contains many penises.

And if you want a closer look, click the icon in the upper right corner of each image.


Score: 10/100

I have seen many penises in my life, but this is by far the worst. Art here is ridiculously bad: there is almost no definition, and this poor soul seems to lack gonads, a crucial component of every johnson. Considering that this particular statue is found in all the main temples of the Mediterranean, this cruel and anatomically insufficient penis is a horrible disappointment for which the whole Greek world should feel embarrassed.


[19659002] Score: 15/100

It is right that this statue can be found right next to the previous one, because together they form the most disappointing couple of wang in the Aegean Sea. This statue gets some extra points, however, because the detail is slightly more pronounced. But why is it so sharp? You could cut yourself off on that thing if you were not careful. And again, I ask, where are the testicles? It's also a pity, because this guy's position does a great job of drawing attention to the prize, but whoever looks at it is anything but a winner.


Score: 40/100

This warrior stands slightly above the close competition only because his package is anatomically correct. There is still much to be desired, however, and the lack of detail makes this look similar to The Beaker's nose . Despite having a complete package, this dong is still fatally disappointing, it's no wonder the other statue is trying to put it out of its misery.


Score: 42/100

While this competition is basically about only the art in these ding -a- lings, this gets some extra points for creativity. The fact that this guy has two snakes for his legs but still has a human penis leaves me a lot of questions, and I can not help but think that there must be some sort of affirmation to do when considering the contrast between the two . Unfortunately, this statue still loses many signs because the most impressive snake on your body should never be your legs.


Score: 48/100

Okay seriously, what the hell was going on with the Greek artists and their obsession with snake legs? Why are we idolizing these people who suffer from what is obviously a horrible condition? Only in this way are we clear, I'm not giving bonus points because there are two, but I also have to admit that here there are a lot of details, especially in the shape of the scrotum.


Score: 64/100

This statue makes it clear that Poseidon was rather insecure about his body. The enormity of his trident makes his another spear look a little overwhelming, even though it is still the size of a car. And yet, who am I to judge? It is anatomically correct and also has some pubic hair without the whole thing looking horrible. But if you're working with so much material, is it too much to ask to spend a little more time adding the definition instead of destroying the failed bronze tufts together and calling them one day?


Score: 68/100

Fortunately, this other statue of Poseidon is much better. His scrotum is well modeled and I also think that the use of stone on bronze was a great choice as it really enhances the robustness of Poseidon's physique and his trident does not obscure what matters here: the giant stone dong of a god.


Score: 70/100

Finally! A respectable penis! This statue, which is located in the Sanctuary of Delphi, is not extraordinary in any way, but wins points for details, dimensions and to be anatomically correct. Here, we can see that the artist actually tried to carve out pubic hair. I appreciate the extra effort, but the end result is something that resembles Medusa's hair. It's a bit daunting to say the least. At the end of the day, however, the detail on the foreskin is undeniably impressive.

This statue also gets bonus points because, in the vicinity, I found a quiet garden surrounded by dozens of the same statue. It's the perfect place to enjoy a good conversation.


Score: 76/100

Respect the effort here. Technically this guy has everything you could want in a penis, but the way it's organized is terrible. I am torn, honestly, because in the beginning of this adventure I wanted to show the most glorious penances ( penii ?) Of the Greek world. This penis is not glorious, but I can not help but think that this was the intent of the artist forever. Instead of being triumphantly with his business around the world to see, he is hunched, almost hiding it from the bystanders. It is subversive and controversial. I like it. I really like.


Score: 88/100

For the beard of Zeus, would you look at that thing? The size does not normally count, but in this case this penis is so big that it deserves extra points. What sets this cock apart from others is its functionality: this is the only penis in the Mediterranean that I can hold onto. And, even better, you can find it within the first five minutes from the start of the game. Although the statue is crudely carved into the stone, there is still an impressive level of detail. I mean, look at how the foreskin is shaped. At the end of the day, this dong lies head and shoulders above the rest. It's huge, well done, and the fact that you can dangle from it as a sort of adult-only turntable, Cirque du Soleil makes it one of the most impressive pieces of trash in the Greek world.


Score: 95/100

I give this penis to our Editor's Choice Award and I think it's obvious why. Although it is not as big as other penises on this list, the art here is exquisite. For example, this is the only naked statue-man I've found that has been painted correctly, which gives it a very realistic look. I also respect that the artist has even colored pubic hair, even if the actual sculpture is not the most detailed. Sometimes less is more. What really matters, however, is the immaculate form of the testicles along with the subtle definition of the tree. The best thing I can say about this is that, yes, it definitely looks like a penis.

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